RELAPSE!!!

I have not posted for so long time! Mainly it was because I was in Mexico for some time and wanted to take an internet holiday. After coming back I had quite a lot of work here and since I am still not able to write in English very quickly, it took me so much time…

The trip to Mexico was significant in relation with this blog for two reasons: 1) I had very good discussions at Kanankil Institute in Merida about the substance abuse field and 2) I started to smoke again. Both these events stimulated even more my thinking about CHANGE in general – about its forms, purpose for change, perspective from which change is perceived.

It was even in Austin airport when I had the first cigarette after six weeks of not smoking. In fact, I was considering to smoke in Mexico before – cigarettes are connected mostly with relax for me and I was expecting real relax there. What is more important, my approach to substance use is not medical one. I do not believe that addiction is an illness. I think that I can change everyday long – term behavior such as smoking by myself and that the only option for result does not involve pure abstinence until the end of my life. (I am hearing the voices of abstinence-oriented in-depth therapists or counselors shouting: YOU ARE JUST RATIONALIZING!!! and of the ex-smokers: WE ALL WANTED TO BE CONTROLLED USERS AT FIRST PLACE!!!)

What was causing troubles for me when I have been smoking everyday, was the feeling that I MUST smoke every day. I think it was not even a taste for nicotine, it was a strong commitment to regular smoking. I had to HAVE cigarettes by myself – sometimes, in the night, I found that I do not have cigarettes any more and I went out and was looking for a place where I could buy it. And, I confess, when I was younger and did not have money, I was even searching for cigarette butts in the streets. Interestingly, when I finally bought the cigarettes, the strongest taste for it was away…

When I came to U.S., it was my first attempt to stop smoking ever. But the sole term „stop smoking“ is influenced by the illness narrative and the only response for this striving is not to smoke even one cigarette. But I think, humans are able to do more choices: for me, the desired result would be if I wouldn´t feel stucked in smoking – I would like to have a freedom in decision when to smoke and when not. I would like to try it. The last time I have smoked was Cancun airport 10 days ago. But my return back to Czech Republic will be more important. So far, I made one decision: I do not want to smoke every day neither in U.S., nor in Czech Republic or Mexico. I will let you know.